Is this an accurate potted history of the USA?

Once upon a time there were these people in Europe called pilgrims. And they were afraid of being persecuted.





So they all got in a boat and sailed to New World where they would not have to be scared ever again.





"Oh, I'm so relaxed. I feel so much safer." But as soon as they arrived they were greeted by savages. And they got scared all over again.





"Indians!" So they killed them off.





Now you'd think wipin' out a race of people would calm them down but no, instead they started getting frightened of each other





Witch! Witch! So they burned witches.In 1775 they started killing the British so they could be free.





And it worked, but they still didn't feel free. So they passed the Second Amendment which said that every white man could keep his gun.





"I love my gun! Love my gun." which brings us to the ingenious idea of slavery





You see, boys and girls, the white people back then were also afraid of doing any work. So they went to Africa, kidnapped thousands of black people,brought them back to America and forced them to work very hard for no money.





And I don't mean no money like "I work at Wall-Mart and make no money禄 I mean a zero dollars, nothing. Nada, zip. Doin' it that way made the USA the richest country in the world.





So, did havin' all that money and free help calm the white people down? No way. They got even more afraid. That's because after two hundred years of slavery the black people now outnumbered white people in many parts of the South.





Well, you can pretty much guess what came next. The slaves started rebellin'. They finally rised and lead to old master's head got chopped off. When white people heard of this they were freakin' out and going "I wanna live, Don't kill me, big black man"





Well, just in the nick of time went came Samuel Colt who in the 1836 invented the first weapon ever that could be fired over and over without havin' to reload. And all the Southern Whites were like Yee-haw! but it was too late. The North soon won civil war and the slaves were freed.





Yep, they were free now to chop all the old masters' heads off. And everybody was like "Oh, no, we're gonna die" But the freed slaves took no revenge. They just wanted to live in peace. But ya couldn't convince the white people of this.





So they formed the Ku Klux Klan and in 1871 the same year that the clan became illegal terrorist organization another group was founded. The national rifle association.





Soon politicians passed one of the first gun laws, making it illegal for any black person to own one. It was a great year for America that the KKK and the NRA.





Of course they had nothing to do with each other and it was just a coincidence. One group legally promoted responsible gun-ownership and the other group shot and lynched Black people. And way it was all the way till 1955 when the Black woman broke the law by refusing to move to the back of a bus. White people just could not believe it.





"Why wouldn't she move? What's going on?" Man, all hell broke loose. Black people everywhere started demandin' their rights. And White people were had a major freakin' field meltdown. And they were all like "Run away, run away!"





And they did. They all ran clean into the suburbs where it was white and safe and clean. As they went out and bought a quarter of a billion guns and put locks on their doors, alarms on their houses gates around their neighborhoods and finally they were all safe and secure and snug as a bug.





And everyone lived happily ever after.|||It's an entertaining history with more than a germ of truth to it. But it would be better with just a little more accuracy, especially in the early sections.



For example, a lot of early US settlers were afraid, not just the pilgrims. The Quakers who settled Pennsylvania were afraid; so were the Catholics who settled Maryland. Lots of people were afraid of starving to death in their native countries--and in the US once they got here, which is why they were willing to settle the frontier.



As for the Native American genocide, it was enabled in part by the tribes' fear of each other. It wasn't as though a giant army of settlers arrived at once and drove them to extinction. Tiny groups showed up, noticed the tribes in conflict, and said to one side, "Hey, we have these great fire-sticks; ally with us and we'll make corn mush of your enemies!"



As for slavery, it wasn't so much that Americans went over to fetch slaves as bought the slaves that Europeans brought them. There were American slave ships, of course, but there were 35 times as many ships from Spain, Portugal, Britain, the Netherlands, and France.



And I would quarrel with the relative importance you give to slave rebellions and the civil war. The rebellions were certainly important (and happening well before 1831, though the Turner rebellion was one of the most significant), but the civil war was cataclysmic and deserves more of your satire's focus. Come on, white people fearing white people who fear black people? It's a natural.



But, on the whole, good stuff.



"And I don't mean no money like "I work at Wall-Mart and make no money禄 I mean [a] zero dollars, nothing. Nada, zip. Doin' it that way made the USA the richest country in the world.



Heh heh heh.



Edit: The irony will be lost on SOME Americans. Maybe even MOST Americans. But the US was the country that produced Mark Twain and South Park, so how about we back off the absolutes a little?|||Too much irony it will be lost on Americans.|||This is funny..but not very accurate..pilgrims didn't come over that's just. what they were called. They where a religion that was banned in england, pagans I think?.. both indians and cololnist were scared but also traded with another as. Well as fought..we didn't actually kill them out till towards the end of the wild west days well after the revolution. Idk about what dates the witch trails went on. But that's later on as well. Slavery was not a new thing, it was being done since ancent times. I couldn't tell you why they chose to have slavery in america other than back then it was acceptable in many parts of the world. They had guns and were allowed to use them since the day they came to america. The second amendment was written when the constitution was written as america declared its independence from britian...again a lil while after slavery started going on in america. There was two succesfull rebelions from slaves that I know of that resulted in a couple white deaths. But utimatly because of being un educated and lacking the organization and tools to go agianst the already established slave owners it resulted in a more gruesome outcome for thos who rebeled. Kkk was established after tghe south lost the civil war as a group who believed still in slavery etc. After slavery being abolished slave ownders were not afriad, some slave owners still kept slaves until they were forced to let them go at a later time. And some slaves that were freed stayed with their owners after to earn money. Rosa parks is the lady who didn't move. And I think it was from the front not the back but blacks didn't fully begin to establish equality until the civil rights movement. And no no one ran to the suburbs. Its just by placment in history that you will find more blacks in poor areas and more whites tend to be in suburb areas. But ash time goes on the diffrence in race of the two areas becomes less and less diffrent.